Continued
and "You are so lazy" or "You are such a wimp" are obvious losers.
However, there are also some commonly used questions that are so innocent sounding, yet intimidating for a child to hear day after day. I'm referring to the questions parents often ask immediately after practice that in very subtle ways make it less fun for a child to come home.
Here are various versions of four word questions that kids don't really want to hear everyday from their parents: "How did you do?" "How did it go?" "What did you learn?" "How was your dismount?"
A Child's view of these questions, especially when delivered immediately upon arrival, is "Here comes the interrogation!" And, "I'm expected to give a good press release about today's performance." In spite of your good intentions, it's all too easy for a child to get the feeling that he or she is being judged by the quality of the day's performance. It's as if parents are hoping to hear and answer like this EVERY single day: "Oh I had the best performance of my life today! I was unstoppable, incredible, unbeatable! I learned six new skills, got the highest score from the coach, and made four new friends!" Wouldn't that be nice? But that's not how gymnastics, or school - or life - goes.
Sport is fun, but learning new skills is messy, slow, uncooperative, and almost always uneven. There are above average days, below average days, and a ton of just average days as the process of improvement moves along slowly. The patient and persistent athlete is rewarded for putting in a consistent effort, even on the days it feels like "I'm not getting any better." Constantly being asked if you're getting any better is like pulling a carrot out of the ground every day to see if it's growing: it's frustrating for you and bad for the carrot!
There are several alternatives that work better than the inquisition. Try this when your child jumps in the car after practice: "It's good to see you!", and then turn on your internal radar to catch the mood of your child. He or she may wish to sit in silence in the safety of your presence fro a while. "Tell me about practice" is a much less intimidating statement than "How did you DO!" This allows your child to share what feels safe to share at the moment. Tell a short story about your day to get the conversation going. If practice comes up, ask a safe question like "What was your favorite part?" Many children need time to decompress after practice or school and insisting on an immediate report robs them of this reflection time. Learn to be comfortable with a little silence. Sharing information about what's for dinner is usually non-threatening too.
The goal is to create such a safe environment, so free from judgement that your child wants to open up and share everything about his or her experience in a fearless way - on her timetable. When this happens your child will know your acceptance is unconditional, and you'll know you're getting the inside scoop on the things that really matter to your child - without grilling like an ESPN reporter.
